Bonds of neglection MxM
by UmiHoshi
Summary: Betrayal hurts the most, if you love that person dearly. MelloXMatt a onesided tragedy


This dream returns to me once or twice in a week  
This dream returns to me once or twice in a while. It's usually different, but the context is the same:  
This time, I was at a swamp. It felt like I was in one of my games again and the feeling of 'Game over' was never deeper then this.  
I saw every green, miserable, detail. I smelled everything. I felt the wholesome of my terror.  
As I walked deeper, I ended up in front of a mirror.  
It was not me who I saw though.  
"Mello…" I whispered. I tried to grasp for his hand. I tried to touch his lips. I tried… I tried anything to just keep him with me for only a few seconds longer. But his image was disappearing.  
Don't go… I need you… Mello. Please don't leave!

"Matt…. Hey, Matt…" I felt someone shook my shoulder. A little grumbling and I woke up. I faced the blond boy in front of me.  
Mihael Keehl. Codenamed Mello. He'd been beside me for a while now.  
The first two years of Wammy's were horrible, but at the end of the second year, Mello came. I felt save and could finally smile again. I, if I try, still recall how miserable and cold I was in the old days. My first try was to pull some random attention. But I noticed soon enough that I was different from all the other children. As they grew to hate me, I grew to hate them.  
But Mello was there. Mello pulled me in the light.  
I felt his hand roam trough my hair. "c'mon, sleepy bastard. Get up, you'll miss class."

He said so, but he still needed to dress himself as well. I stared at him from my bed.  
Mello was a beautiful person. No matter the way I look at him, he amazes me.  
He's the strongest person I know around. He claims himself that he's really weak though…. Well, maybe it's because I'm weak myself, that I see him that way.  
He turned to me and pulled me out of bed.  
"auw!"  
"Hurry up, already!"  
I stood up (from the ground) and stumbled to the closet.  
That was my Mello. I was proud to be his friend.

Mello was, like, brilliant! He's damned smart and always stands up for his opinion. And the greatest thing: They respect him for that!  
Though, most of the time, we were slacking. Not that we were talking though. Mello's way smarter then that.  
He had various ways of communicating with me without words. Though the teachers usually found out most of them after a while. It was a great time.

That is: until he came.  
L. That's about the only thing I ever came to know about him. Though it wasn't really L's fault. Heck… I don't know who I should blame for this. Maybe it was even my own fault.  
Mello was crazy about L. it was an addiction to him. Sometimes, even more addicting then his chocolate fetish. The only things I came to know about L, was via Mello.  
Mello knew L. he knew EVERYTHING about L. L was his life. L was his goal. L was his rule.  
L was first.  
Second was me.

Not that those were the only things in Mello's life. Ow no. Mello was social. Mello was friends with a lot of teachers. And I usually staid at the background to not bother any of them.  
But when we were on our room, Mello was mine.  
I'm horribly selfish and I'm aware of it. It pains me from time to time. But Mello was my everything.  
Mello had to keep his grades high, though. Everyone was expecting everything from him. Mello would reach the stars if he worked his ass off for it.  
But not to me. Mello was already a genius if he smiled.

I wonder if it was just me. I never really speak out to Mello. When I think of something, it goes underneath a neutral face.  
After all, I didn't want to bother Mello.  
Sometimes it broke free. But I'm sick of showing it to people. When I'm sad, people usually tell me 'why do you look angry?'. I don't even want to bother explaining them any longer. So I hid myself in games. The aggression I felt were cooled down in the button smashing. For now, that's okay. I even became really good at it. But I noticed the games became bloodier as I continued.  
Am I driving mad?  
Am I strange?  
Tell me Mello, how do I stop this?

I just had to cope with it, I guess. For now, the L mania was fine with me. I tried to talk along, from time to time. Though, strangely enough, I was somewhat more interested in Watari. Lol, it's weird. I didn't see why L was so important. Sure, he had done some great things, but….  
I don't blame Mello. As much as he is obsessed with L, I might be with him.  
Mello wanted to become like L. That is what Wammy's is for, after all.  
To me, it's a school for smarty pants (yeah, I admit, I'm one too.), but to a lot, and mostly Mello, it was a place to learn L's ways. To one day become like him.  
Well, as long as it meant I could be with Mello, I can live with it.

There came some complicity in the situation, though.  
Near was pretty kind, as much as I had gotten the chance to know him. But it drew Mello away from me. As a newbie, Near rose far above everyone in no time. It was scary, since I liked Near. But it felt like I had to hate him for Mello's sake.  
Near was smart. And that was threatening about him. Mello decided he had to push himself even harder to stay the best.

And there it was, BANG, in my face.  
"Matt will go to another room. Near will be Mello's new roomy. From here on, the top students Mello and Near are no longer allowed to interact with other students."  
I hid myself in the janitor's room and cried. What am I doing? This is better for Mello, isn't it? Like this, Mello can go to the top. I'm just in his way.  
At a moment like this, how can I be this selfish!!  
Mello couldn't hang around with me any longer. I would have to become like any other student around him. It sounded simple, but it's the cruelest thing they could do to me.  
Even if I'd try to approach, it'd get Mello in trouble. I had to wait until Mello'd come to me. I don't have a clue what I'm up to. What can I do? What can't I do? And what'll be the consequences? Even if Mello can take care of himself, it feels like I'm the one to have Mello's life in my hands.  
At times like this. What the hell would Mello be thinking?

When I was at school, I tried to avoid Mello. But on the other side, I was searching for openings for him to talk to me. Notice me, already, Mello!  
He sat IN FRONT of me. That's the blow, he wasn't going to talk to me, I guess.  
And on top of everything, we had to practice in teams of two.  
It took a while, but Mello did choose me as a partner.  
I felt like crying. I thought he'd never speak to me again.  
He smiled so natural. I kept on repeating: "I love you." Not even sure in what way I was meaning it. But I was meaning it. Mello was my everything.  
At that point, it was like we could rule the world together. Who cares what others think? We're still both on this world! And somehow, we'll manage to stay friends!

That was as much as I wanted to say to Mello, but it turned into a lie. As the days passed, Mello grew colder to me. What started as secret agent like show, by secretly talking to each other while no one was paying attention to us, became a cold reality to me.  
That evening. It was like our last goodbye. We were in a deserted classroom. It were just the two of us.  
I was pissed of, since a project of mine and some other student had failed. I spoke it over with Mello. It took him one minute to convince me that it would have been better if we had been partners. The rest of the time together, we talked about nothing, anything! It was wonderful. I felt save. Mello was right there for me. L fell as subject again, but I didn't mind. Mello could say anything and I would thank him for it over and over again.

But after that, it was as good as over. Mello didn't even want to touch me any longer. I felt like a pest to him. I'm a burden to him. I'm already a burden by thinking this.  
After that, he decided to not walk next to me any longer. He pushed himself higher and higher. And by that he pushed me in the opposite direction.  
During break time, I was still with Mello and Near. But they were the ones talking. I just pretended I listened and studied Mello's face. I thought I had knew him so well. But what is it I really know about Mello?  
His name. His real name was a precious item I knew about Mello. As well as he knew mine. But I'd trade it in right away to see him smile and know how to keep it.

I'm starting to get sick of this. I don't even want to know the consequences if Mello reads this.  
Yes, that's right. On the surface we still looked like friends. But inside, I knew. I knew I was walking on a thin wire. I had to keep my thoughts for my own.  
I'm caught in two fires now:  
On one side, I can stay like this and become more and more miserable.  
On the other side I could tell what's on my mind. But that'd show my ugly, selfish side. I didn't want that. Mello would hate me. We'd argue. And if we'd argue now….. there was nothing to tie us together any longer. I would have lost him forever.  
I'm ashamed about writing this. Mello is my everything and yet I'm writing these things about him.  
I'm not trying to justify my actions. More then that, I'm writing this to punish myself for it.

A week has passed, but it seems like ages for every day. An age of cold stone. Mello was… so different. I miss the old, careless Mello. He looked neutral, I can't guess what's behind his face any longer.  
Again, a conversation with Near in the cafeteria. I don't even know what they were talking about. I was already writing this, but he didn't read along. (something he usually does. I'm actually relieved he didn't.)  
he had to leave for extra class and a little hope returned to me: A pat on the back. Mello was still thinking of me.  
But at the same time, I caught myself on demanding more. I wanted to hug him, but couldn't. he was already to far of.

I gasped when I felt someone's breath in my neck. Near was reading my story. He didn't say anything, he was just reading.  
"……so sad…. A one sided love is so cruel…" He relieved me by saying so. I smiled at Near. He was really not to bad of a person. I thanked him and he left.

Today again. I have never felt this frustrating. Mello was writing. He was writing during class!! Why!?  
I couldn't speak out to him any longer because I was a danger for his prestation and here he was SLACKING HIMSELF!  
I slit my teeth. How could he do this to me? What is he thinking?  
English: one and a halve page. Math: one and a halve page. Psychology: nearly two pages. And not notebook sized, it was A4!  
I gasped a few times to keep my cool. No one can pay attention when writing 2 fucking pages.  
A piece of paper is more important then his school! Mello was paying more attention to an empty piece of paper then me! And there were 7 pages up until now. He wasn't only doing this during the classes we had. But during the break, he was talking to Near. He wasn't writing.

What are you planning Mello? Are you proving that you're a slacker, even without me? Then hurry up and say so already!  
And talking was the last thing he'd do. Only the absolutely necessary stuff.  
He asked me to create an interview for some project. I ignored him and walked on, just to make sure I wouldn't provoke him.  
I left back to the dorms. Mello didn't follow me. He walked on.

I had the luck that on Wednesday I had the first two hours off. The teacher was off to a meeting. Meaning I had to go to school at 12.  
Not that I slept till 11. I woke up at 8 and thought about Mello. Only Mello.  
Usually, I'd ignore the fact that I have the time off and just go to school. To see Mello.  
This was one of the first times I didn't and I honestly didn't knew what to do with the time.The 12 o'clock class was with Mello. 5 minutes before class started, I saw him with Near again. He wasn't writing. But as soon as he was in class, tadah, there was the red (okay, it was pink) notebook. I tried to get sight of what he was writing, but it was tricky. Mello, again, had taken place in front of me, not next to me.  
I saw 'L' a few times. And something about a girl named 'Misora Naomi'. Something else which caught my attention was the line 'The Los Angelis BB murder case.'  
It seemed Mello was writing a story of a file L had been working on.

It pissed me of just seeing his face. It pissed me of because I wanted to be closer to him.  
Only one thought was filling my mind that day: 'I want to die.' Anything better then this horrible jumping my heart makes, every time I catch a glimpse of the blond.  
I feel cold. I feel Mello's coldness. It's like nothing can warm me any longer.  
I'm starting to doubt my own intentions, even.  
Aren't I just doing this on purpose? Am I starting to hate Mello by free will?  
If I'd hate Mello, I'd crush myself slowly. But Mello. Mello would be assured. He didn't had to bother about this little stray dog, that he had to feed, any longer.  
He'd leave me in the cold and would forget me. That would be for the better.  
But my selfishness can't allow that! God damn it, I want to stop this! I want to stop being this selfish and give everything to Mello!  
But it's hard…. It's hard to think of others when you were alone from the start. I never really knew how to interact with people. Mello was my first. Mello is….. my first love.

My bed felt cold and hard. But I didn't want to get off of it. I didn't want to eat either. I didn't want to game. Who would be there for me to compliment me if I accomplished, stand alone DID, anything?  
I wonder now if Mello was like that from the beginning. Had Mello ever, for once, excepted me?  
What am I thinking? Mello wouldn't have bothered about me in the first place if he didn't.  
But now… I'm of no use to him any longer. I'm just an eyesore. I'm not handsome. I'm not talented. I'm not smart. I'm not kind. I'm not some amazing person who can think for his friends, I can only think for myself.  
But every person is like that. Selfishness is a common thing. You can't fully know what others are thinking, you can only do that to yourself. Hence, people are born to be selfish.  
'Still…..' I buried my face in a pillow. 'That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell!'

I cried. I cried without tears. I couldn't even bring those up any longer. But my heart ached. It felt like something was eating me from inside.  
What am I? What am I supposed to do?  
It's like, no matter what choice I'll make, I'll lose Mello.  
I twisted around, being somewhere between realism and the nightmares sleep brought me.  
Just when I thought I was really asleep, a sleep of nothingness, I heard my radio.  
It was some crappy radio station my roomy was listening to. (my roomy was hardly ever there. He wasn't now either. The radio just responded like an alarm.)  
The song 'money money money' had just ended. I grunted. I hate that shitty song. I hate any song. I hate music. I hate the world. I hate myself!

Another corny song came and I wanted to slam the alarm of. But instead, I listened for I while.  
This was the song I was hearing:

_I'm sitting down here,  
But hey you can't see me  
_

My hand withdrew with those words. I felt a small connection with this song.  
_  
I'm not trying to avoid you,  
Just don't wanna hear your voice  
When you call me up so often,  
I don't really have a choice  
You're talking like you know me  
And wanna be my friend  
But that's really too late now,  
I won't try it once again  
You may think that I'm loser,  
But I don't really care  
You may think that it's forgotten,  
But you should be aware  
Cause I've learned to get revenge  
And I swear you'll experience that some day  
_

I snickered. She was right, pretty much. Mello'd probably think of me that way as well. It's spooky, the song cheered me up. It made me nostalgic. (nostalgic is the longing for a past time or event, but the good facts are over exaggerated and the bad facts are ignored. If I may quote my history teacher.) My time with Mello was something I want to treasure for ever. Mello was my little buddy. My shoulder to cry on and the face to wet mine. (shoulder, not face. You pervert.)

_I'm sitting down here,  
But hey you can't see me  
Kinda invisible  
You don't sense my stay  
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow  
Just thought I would join you for one day  
_

_You seem to wanna hurt me  
No matter what I do  
I'm telling just a couple,  
But somehow it gets to you  
But I've learned to get revenge  
And I swear you'll experience that some day  
_

Revenge huh? Sounds like an interesting idea. But what do I need to do for revenge? The one deserving the punishment is probably me, anyway. How could I've been such an idiot? I was the one to let it get this far.  
All of a sudden it came to me. This song wasn't about me. It was about Mello. Have I really been such a wonderful friend to Mello?  
I buried my face in my hands.  
I don't know how or what to think any longer!  
I don't want to blame anyone! I just want Mello back!

_I'm sitting down here,  
But hey you can't see me  
Kinda invisible  
You don't sense my stay  
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow  
Just thought I would join you for one day_

The Corus repeated a few times at the end. I heard a male's voice along with it. It wasn't really singing. The guy was just saying the words in the same tempo.  
I sat up and gazed at Mello.  
"…..hey.."  
"……….." I looked off. Again this horrible aching.  
"What are you doing?" He asked.  
"Nothing…"  
"…………………" I felt the pressure on the bed change. Mello sat down.  
"Are you angry?" I felt his hand on my arm.  
"……." I shivered and held back the soar feeling in my trough.  
"L left a message on the school computer. He wants to meet me and Near. He mentioned me a lot, I think he wants me to be his succeeder. We won't be meeting him in person though. He's in Japan right now." Mello sounded happy. As if nothing was going on.  
"…….who cares?.." I caught myself saying. I bit my lip (, trying to make it bleed in order to punish myself for blurring out such a thing.)  
"Hn?" Mello sounded slightly irritated.  
"I'm happy for you….." I said, but it sounded empty as soon as it came out of my mouth.  
"What's your problem?" He sounded snobbish. It pissed me of only even more.  
I stood up. "Who cares, okay? I don't give a damn about you and L. I hope you'll be happy chasing him." Mello couldn't see my face, but my voice was ever so angry.  
"Just do what you want, okay!?" I turned to him and the tears couldn't be stopped as soon as I saw his face.  
Neutral. He had no expression at all. He just stared at me.  
Something snapped inside me. And I raged.  
"L is everything to you! So just forget about me and go succeed him! Why did you even bother to come and tell me!? Why do you even give a damn!? I'm nothing anyway!!  
L is the world! Near is the world! School is the world! And I'm some kind of 'besides'! What the hell is this, Mello!! You're just giving up!? This is not like you!! Why don't you stand up against anything!? How come you don't know I'm not the person to just wait!? I don't give a damn if you think I'm selfish, but I don't want to live on like this!! You hear me, Mello!? I wanna die!! I wanna shoot a freaking bullet trough my head!! I want to drown like a dog!! I want to die and burn in HELL!!  
Because to you, EVERYTHING is more important!! I don't mean a thing to you!! L might be this wonderful person, but he's a goddamned human, too!! And he's on the other side of the world! He's some kind of wonderful dream, but just a dream!! He's over there, Mello! AND I'M RIGHT HERE!! I'm Right here, in front of you, Mello!! But in your eyes, it's like I'm dead!! I-……." My voice stopped cooperating.  
Mello was crying. His face was blank, but moist with tears. I've never felt this lonely. What the hell am I, scolding at Mello like this? He didn't deserve this! He's in the same freaking shit!  
"Matt….." His voice sounded soft and soar. "…..after Wammy's…. let's live on together…"  
His voice hardly reached me, but it ringed on in my head. Was… was Mello being serious? Even after leaving Wammy's… he still….  
"……..Okay…" I smiled.  
He smiled back at me.  
"hey, you bastard! Do you even know what kind of hardship you gave me, looking all depressed like that!?" He tackled me and grabbed my wrist. "hm… no cuts yet…"  
"What's that supposed to mean, you bitch!?"

"Mello…."  
"Hn?"  
"How should we continue now?"  
Mello turned his face to me. (we were in my bed (get lost, you perv's)) He hugged me.  
"Who cares? Not like anyone can stop us…"  
"but….. your succeeding-…"  
"I'll make it alone, somehow….. but it's not important enough for me to break friendship with you.  
"Mello….."  
"hn?..."  
"………..I love you…"  
He snickered. "duh…."

Fin

* * *

_Just... don't try to understand this or something. It's a story I came up with when being in the same situation. They say people are at their best when they're depressed. well, deside that for yourselfs.  
Please R&R, I worked really hard on this.  
The song is 'sitting down here' by Lene Marlin. Just thought it suited_


End file.
